I am not a journaler. I have tried it a few times but what can be a saving grace for many has proven to be a source of moving backward and remaining chained- feeling like there is no escape- as I see myself begin to focus even more on my problems- the very things the journaling is supposed to help get out of my head and into a place where it can be dealth with and then let go. A source of healing and moving forward. Not one of remaining stuck- a prisoner of my own thoughts- moving even farther into a place of darkness. Well, here goes one more attempt at using the written word as my savior, not my foe.
There is so much I am trying to come to grips with right now. I just received a divorce in mid-January, moved to a new home, taken on a new and extremely stressful job, am almost soley responsible for the care and well-being of my three young children- not to mention half a mortgage, half the utilities, health insurance, dental insurance, life insurance, a car payment, car insurance, pre-school, kid's activities, food, clothing and the ever rising price of gas. I am in therapy- and have been for years- trying to deal with the issues that have put me in some very dark and terrifying places. Places where I felt like I was going to shrivel up and disappear. Places where I felt my very soul slipping away and feeling utterly powerless to do anything about it. However, in the midst of my struggling, I have been blessed with three tiny miracles that give me the hope and courage and motivation to keep on keeping on. Right now I do it for them. Right now I don't care enough about myself to do it for me but I realize I cannot be the mother I want to be- the mother they so deserve until I begin to fight the fight for myself.
Since getting my divorce, I have been hit with the fact that I suffer from both anorexia nervosa and bi-polar II disorder- both of which have very high fatality rates. I am struggling with every fiber of my being to process this information and come to terms with my diagnoses. I am in therapy. I am seeing a psychiatrist. I am about to begin a program for eating disordered individuals that includes seeing a dietician and following a meal plan and I am scared to death of it all. I am terrified because as a mental health counselor, I know the seriousness of these disorders. I know the odds of full recovery. I know the possibilities that lay ahead it I don't gain control over my demons. I have not been able to come to terms with the fact that this utterly damaged person is me. That person in the mirror- the one staring back at me is sick and weak and in need of help. I have always considered myself a warrior of sorts. I have been through hardship after hardship- things most people will never have to deal with- and I have always persevered and come through that dark tunnel into the light. I can honestly say that these are the darkest days I have ever known and despite my utter refusal to let go of hope, I am finding it harder and harder to wake up every day; to take a breath and keep on breathing. I know I have no choice. Nothing, and I mean nothing is going to take me away from my babies- these three loves of my life. But the guilt and the discust and utter helplessness I feel as their mother is enough to make even the strongest want to throw in the towel. But, I keep going. I wake up every morning, take a deep breath, thank whatever higher power has kept watch over me all these years and then make the decision to get out of bed and fight the fight.
Why am i writing all of this? Why am I confessing my deepest, darkest, most mortifying secrets on my yoga blog? Because I don't believe I would be able to keep moving forward if I didn't have the power of yoga behind me. Getting on that mat.....losing myself in the breath and the movement....receiving the motivational messages from my teachers that I AM strong; I AM worthwhile; I AM beautiful, inside and out; and, in my perfectly broken state I am actually perfect. Yes, Yoga has given me an inner strength and the drive to endure- even in the worst of circumstances- because I am worth it and I deserve to find that inner happiness, that inner light that we all posess inside of us. Patanjali was dead on when he wrote in his Yoga Sutras, "One of the principle foundations of yoga is that we are perfect as we are, a SHINING LIGHT or gem that is merely clouded or dusty. Through the process of yoga, we polish the brilliant gem of the Self and are free to shine as we are meant to." I will continue to get on that mat and polish that gem- however deep it lies in my body until I too have uncovered my true Self- the Self that knows she is worthwhile; the Self that knows she deserves happiness; the Self that knows everything is going to be okay because i already posess all I need inside me to become that warrior once again and shine that light like it's never shined before.
Shanti, Om, Namaste~
Lisa Curran Gray, CYT 200, Shining Light Yoga
No comments:
Post a Comment