The power of yoga.........

I am not a journaler. I have tried it a few times but what can be a saving grace for many has proven to be a source of moving backward and remaining chained- feeling like there is no escape- as I see myself begin to focus even more on my problems- the very things the journaling is supposed to help get out of my head and into a place where it can be dealth with and then let go. A source of healing and moving forward. Not one of remaining stuck- a prisoner of my own thoughts- moving even farther into a place of darkness. Well, here goes one more attempt at using the written word as my savior, not my foe.

There is so much I am trying to come to grips with right now. I just received a divorce in mid-January, moved to a new home, taken on a new and extremely stressful job, am almost soley responsible for the care and well-being of my three young children- not to mention half a mortgage, half the utilities, health insurance, dental insurance, life insurance, a car payment, car insurance, pre-school, kid's activities, food, clothing and the ever rising price of gas. I am in therapy- and have been for years- trying to deal with the issues that have put me in some very dark and terrifying places. Places where I felt like I was going to shrivel up and disappear. Places where I felt my very soul slipping away and feeling utterly powerless to do anything about it. However, in the midst of my struggling, I have been blessed with three tiny miracles that give me the hope and courage and motivation to keep on keeping on. Right now I do it for them. Right now I don't care enough about myself to do it for me but I realize I cannot be the mother I want to be- the mother they so deserve until I begin to fight the fight for myself.

Since getting my divorce, I have been hit with the fact that I suffer from both anorexia nervosa and bi-polar II disorder- both of which have very high fatality rates. I am struggling with every fiber of my being to process this information and come to terms with my diagnoses. I am in therapy. I am seeing a psychiatrist. I am about to begin a program for eating disordered individuals that includes seeing a dietician and following a meal plan and I am scared to death of it all. I am terrified because as a mental health counselor, I know the seriousness of these disorders. I know the odds of full recovery. I know the possibilities that lay ahead it I don't gain control over my demons. I have not been able to come to terms with the fact that this utterly damaged person is me. That person in the mirror- the one staring back at me is sick and weak and in need of help. I have always considered myself a warrior of sorts. I have been through hardship after hardship- things most people will never have to deal with- and I have always persevered and come through that dark tunnel into the light. I can honestly say that these are the darkest days I have ever known and despite my utter refusal to let go of hope, I am finding it harder and harder to wake up every day; to take a breath and keep on breathing. I know I have no choice. Nothing, and I mean nothing is going to take me away from my babies- these three loves of my life. But the guilt and the discust and utter helplessness I feel as their mother is enough to make even the strongest want to throw in the towel. But, I keep going. I wake up every morning, take a deep breath, thank whatever higher power has kept watch over me all these years and then make the decision to get out of bed and fight the fight.

Why am i writing all of this? Why am I confessing my deepest, darkest, most mortifying secrets on my yoga blog? Because I don't believe I would be able to keep moving forward if I didn't have the power of yoga behind me. Getting on that mat.....losing myself in the breath and the movement....receiving the motivational messages from my teachers that I AM strong; I AM worthwhile; I AM beautiful, inside and out; and, in my perfectly broken state I am actually perfect.  Yes, Yoga has given me an inner strength and the drive to endure- even in the worst of circumstances- because I am worth it and I deserve to find that inner happiness, that inner light that we all posess inside of us. Patanjali was dead on when he wrote in his Yoga Sutras, "One of the principle foundations of yoga is that we are perfect as we are, a SHINING LIGHT or gem that is merely clouded or dusty. Through the process of yoga, we polish the brilliant gem of the Self and are free to shine as we are meant to."  I will continue to get on that mat and polish that gem- however deep it lies in my body until I too have uncovered my true Self- the Self that knows she is worthwhile; the Self that knows she deserves happiness; the Self that knows everything is going to be okay because i already posess all I need inside me to become that warrior once again and shine that light like it's never shined before.

Shanti, Om, Namaste~
Lisa Curran Gray, CYT 200, Shining Light Yoga

Walk.....

Walk and touch peace every moment.
Walk and touch happiness every moment.
Each step brings a fresh breeze.
Each step makes a flower bloom.
Kiss the Earth with your feet.
...Bring the Earth your love and happiness.
The Earth will be safe
when we feel safe in ourselves.

- Thich Nhat Hanh

Walk.....

Walk and touch peace every moment.
Walk and touch happiness every moment.
Each step brings a fresh breeze.
Each step makes a flower bloom.
Kiss the Earth with your feet.
...Bring the Earth your love and happiness.
The Earth will be safe
when we feel safe in ourselves.

- Thich Nhat Hanh

Ego Boxing....

"Ego boxing with others is not the answer. When we stoop to another person's negative behavior we have actually given our power over to that person. The result of ego boxing is quite the opposite of what we 'think' we are accomplishing. There is no great mystery to changing the world or to our being happy and peaceful. We are patient... with impatient people. We are kind to the unkind. We are forgiving of those who are wounded and take their pain out on us. We lead with the loving values of our heart regardless what anyone else chooses to do. That takes mastering our ego, not someone else's." `Regina Cates

We are ALL Beautiful....

Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay


And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

Lyrics by Christina Aguilera

Dance as if...........

dance like no one is watching

Submitted by: ruthie

Author: unknown

We convince ourselves that life will be better after
we get married, have a baby, then another.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough
and we'll be more content when they are.

After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with.
We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our
spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer
car, are able to go on a nice vacation,or when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have
and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special,
special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time
waits for no one.

So, stop waiting

--until your car or home is paid off
--until you get a new car or home
--until your kids leave the house
--until you go back to school
--until you lose ten pounds
--until you gain ten pounds
--until you finish school
--until you get a divorce
--until you get married
--until you have kids
--until you retire
--until summer
--until spring
--until winter
--until fall
--until you die

There is no better time than RIGHT NOW to be happy.

Happiness is a JOURNEY, not a destination.

So -- work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.